Grey Saturday
August 20th, 2005 -- Posted in rants | No Comments »It began as a regular Saturday, when I could wake up later than weekdays and had the luxury to enjoy coffee and cigarettes first time in the morning. Sunsun and I then left the car at the shop for servicing and decided to take a walk at Botanical Garden (which is about 5 mins walk away). The weather wasn’t too warm so the briss walk was pleasant. It had been a while since I had visited that part of Singapore so my experience was as new as Sunsun’s. We were having a great time enjoying the greens and the whole walking session became 2 hours long. We got back to the shop before they closed and went home. We were scheduled to pick my sister Annie up for her vocal class later that afternoon.
Then the moodswing came. My sky became grey for no particular reason. I tried to soothe my nerve with SeraShuffle, but it could only help that much by deafening my ears from the world. I would have to snap the earphones off when someone talks to me. Over the next few hours, my mind gradually became really lazy. I just couldn’t be bothered to listen and register any word anyone said, and I often responded with just a shrug or a nod.
After Annie finished with her class, we headed to Great World City as planned for a bit of shopping and dinner. When we got there, I separated myself from Sunsun and Annie, telling them I wanted to check out some CDs and will look for them once I’m done. Knowing that they will spend quite a while at clothing stores, I decided to indulge myself with what I’d like to look instead. Before long, I got bored with the CDs I picked to try (which seldom happen in the past!). Giving up on the CDs selction, I tried roaming other stores. I got really bored. There were so many stores in the massive building but not one can hold my attention for more than 5 minutes. Sunsun kept asking if I were alright, which I constantly reply with affirmation, but unknowingly my facial expression just kept telling her I’m not. Somehow I knew I wasn’t bored coz there isn’t anything to see, but I’m just too bored to see anything I used to like. I even got bored with music, which I had mentioned I breathe like air. That was totally unimaginable!
And this, was also the start of another domino-cum-rollercoaster ride in my mind. I’m getting more bothered not understanding how I can get bored with what I like, and the more I get bothered I found it harder to engage in what I like. See how it was happening? It’s just like worrying on not being able to sleep and ending up not being able to sleep coz of worrying too much. It just rolls itself into the rocky ends of the rollercoaster.
When it came to dinner, I found myself hungry but not having much appetite. When I feel like this, I tend to eat more, which I did. I eat more when I don’t know what I felt like eating, and by not recognizing what my taste bud fancy I don’t get satisfied with what I eat. I ended up eating more than usual but almost didn’t taste anything. What more puzzling is that we had sushi and there was a wider variety of tastes in a sushi meal than anything else. And yet I didn’t really taste much!
Sunsun suggested that I might need some professional help on this, after I tried to explain what’s going on. She got kind of upset that I wasn’t enjoying my day but understands after assuring her it’s nothing to do with her. We tried to figure out the cause of all these and found that my job could be a major player in my moodswing. Not just a major player, but a superstar home-run swinger! I think I’m just been pushing myself at work, doing what I don’t understand enough to know if I’m enjoying what I do. I believe I am not enjoying my job, coz if I am I wouldn’t have been this lost not understand what I do. Deep causal thoughts huh? I thought so too.
This is just one of those post-horrigible-weekdays weekends blues syndrome. I’m bringing my work stress home, which my personaly principle had forbidden initally. I’m thinking too much but I just couldn’t help it. I just ended up with lots of rollercoaster rides for the day. Is there any professional out there? Can anyone tell me if this is a clinical condition?
