Looking at the Mirror… 2006
January 6th, 2006 -- Posted in deep | 4 Comments »A few days ago, I started a blog that reads like this…
Day 1 since I took the role as a brother, my mom told me to look after my sister like how she looked after me. I was only 5, and I promised. When the little one wanted something, I gave. When she slept, I lent my lap as a pillow.Years later, as we both grew, we became little partners in acts of mischief. We disturbed the third one, another baby sister, as she slept in her cradle. We soaped up the whole floor of the bathroom and played slide. My sister just followed anything I suggested, just as she had learnt to do since day 1, and kept getting herself into trouble.
Then came the years when I started spending more time with school and friends. I left my sisters to play with their toys while I played with troubles, along which with trust of my parents. I lost much of it. With new friends and a strong curiousity to the limit of human emotional endurance, I explored many variations of defiance.
... and this was where I stopped. Blog-blocked. Interrupted by busy work hours and balance of rest. It was mainly inspired by my lil sis Annie’s blog (dated January 2nd, 2006) on how she notices the gradual loss of her innocence. Touched by her strong determination to remember what she had promised herself… and fulfill whatever she can.
When I was a young girl, or at least younger than I am now, I made a few promises and oaths to myself. I swore that I will stay me, the way I am, to be a nice person so that people will like me, that I will always believe in true love, and the prince charming of my life will one day sweep me off my feet. I also swore after watching Toy Story 2, and listening to the song “When She loved me” I would not neglect my treasures. And the most sacred one, that I keep in my heart always. That, no matter what, for the mother that I never truly met, I would take care of my father, and always make him remember that I’ll always love him.And one by one, I broke, or let go, of these oaths.
I grew up, and the way I thought changed. I let go, slowly of the concept of love and fantasy, I stopped being innocent, even though I wished I still was.
So you see… it is precisely the loss of my own innocence that deprived me of the luxury to finish that blog. At my age, I find it harder to find time for reflect on my past and my life. While prioritizing work to survive, it’s all about work work work and money money money. I have lost that part of me who used to feel more of life, who could put my perceptions and sentiments experienced in chapters of my life into various forms of expressions… art, music or literacy. Simply put… I have lost myself in the fast-paced world of materialism and status.
That last line was an over-statement. I haven’t actually worked hard for any form of luxurous indulgence. I do not crave for status in any way. All the extra hours I have spent at work was for planning of the future of my family. All other hours in a day is spent to develop that foundation of a family (emotionally and ahem otherwise). In short, I am now a family man, or in the making of being one.
But does this mean I have to lose more and more of the little bits of innocence I used to have? Unfortunately, it is inevitable… only delayed.
Again, there is always a choice of a different career path. Maybe one that can help me keep that little of the ‘innocence’. Being a writer is one way. You reflect on your own self when you write about your surroundings. Being a musician or artist is also a good way to maintain that ‘feeling towards life’, but balancing between the dream (crucial for inspiration) and reality is the tough part. If you want to be successful in your life, you’ve to either work towards your dream that fulfill both realistic and spiritual needs, or simply choose a path that you have confidence in, or both if possible.
What am I blabbering about now?
My conclusion is… Loss of innocence is inevitable. We do not have the capability to do everything. We can only do within our limit. We can either ignore responsibilities and keep our innocence, or we can grow up. Not both at the same time. Responsibilities and innocence just don’t mix. They are like fire and water. North and south poles.
Notice my ‘writing style’? It’s no longer as poetic as I used to write… it’s now so influenced by ‘Successful Writing for Business’.
