Marriage & Goals
March 3rd, 2006 -- Posted in people | 4 Comments »A conversation went like this not too long ago…
Friend: Why did you get married so early, bro?
Me: Why not?
Friend: Coz once you’re married, we can’t go kao-lui together
Me: Not that we usually do that together…
Friend: Yah… but now no more chance liao loh.
Me: Chance? If not what? Stay bachelor and wait with you?
Friend: Yeah. Look look see see with me mah.
Me: …
Is there a reason to get married?
Is there a reason not to?
There are many common reasons for each way you look at it, and we can never generalize any reason for all. I did not get married just simply because I wanted to be married.
Nor did those individuals choose to stay single because they want to be single. That is only because they have not found the reason to get married. Even those who are single but attached have their personal reason to wait, e.g. bad past experiences hence need more time to be sure.
But how much time is enough to be sure?
One and a half year ago, I was a bachelor myself and would not have imagined myself being married. In fact, I was even thinking of staying a bachelor for good. Marriage was like a high wall I would not give two thoughts to even try.
Then it happened. Within two months after deciding that Ok this is it… I’m getting married, I did a lot of soul searching before I tied the string and married Sunsun. Due to the short notice, many friends and family elders had doubts about the stability of this marriage. To be honest, I was still half unsure at that time if I made the right move.
Many were right.
Only a handful of close ones thought otherwise. They believed in me and in the path I chose to take. Carrying my half ounce of uncertainty, I marched into the hall of harmony with full determination that I will do ok… and this very thought changed immediately to we will do ok.
Suddenly, the whole marriage thing wasn’t about just me anymore. It was about two persons. I am no longer making decisions for my own consequences, and no longer bearing consequences alone. I tried to rationale if this sensation was only an illusion. I started asking myself a lot of what-ifs.
The only conclusion I could come up with was that: as much as I have some doubt about who I’m marrying, my partner will be thinking of the same about me. If I question my partner’s readiness for the marriage, I can also question my own. If I have doubt in myself, my partner would have the same in herself too.
Who doesn’t? By human nature, we will all carry some level of uncertainty when we go through what we have never ventured through before. The uncertainty is no longer about whom I’m marrying or who I am. It is now about how we can get by together.
Naturally the burden of responsibilities now has doubled. I can no longer make wrong decisions and just ‘get-by’ the consequences. I am forced by the incredible forces of marriage to make better decisions, not only for my own benefit or for the benefit of my partner, but for the good of both of us. The good news is that even with the burden doubled, I no longer carrying it alone.
I must admit that I am indeed very lucky to see my marriage this way. Not all marriages were hitched with this feeling of togetherness. There are many who still feel they are struggling through married life alone. When this happens, it only means that there is a gap in both parties’ goals, to begin with.
Without making it all sound too theoretical, we all have our short-term urges to satisfy. We are constantly plagued with thesehumanly needs which by nature’s law come with a wide variety of emotions we can’t comprehend sometimes. Nevertheless, we’d always end up with our minds controlled by these surges.
And so, we should never do without a goal.
So I digress.
It is easy to see if two goals are compatible. Goals can be as simple as I want to be happy, which I apply for myself. While asking ourselves the first question is there a reason to get married, we should first reflect into our goals and determine what we really want. If one has his/her goal which he/she cannot share the fruit of achieving the goal, then perhaps companionship through marriage is not what he/she wants.
If you think you want to look some more, then perhaps you want to ask yourself what you are looking for. If not even clear on this, then perhaps you’d need to reflect more on this fundamental fuel for life… even if you are to get through life alone.
You’d need to set for yourself a goal.
If both share similar goals (goals can NEVER be identical… and are never static) or believe that the goals match, then there is no reason not to get married. This goes for the second question is there a reason not to get married, but does it answer the first? Not exactly.
However, it helps eliminate that question entirely. There is no need for a reason to get married as long as you do not have reason NOT to get married. While there is no reason not to get married, why not get married then? There is more bliss to have somebody there with you for eternity.
So why did I get married? I didn’t do so because I have found a good reason to get married, but because I have failed to find a reason not to. Or rather, I had come to accept that I did not need a reason to get married. All I needed was to know that I have no reason not to.
