The answer lies in July… and December. Momentarily.
My journey with the new role has turned me into somewhat a workaholimonster. Finally when I start to get comfortable with the tight deadlines and high level of stress, I find my sense of creativity diminishing. The worst part of it is: I don’t feel remorse for that anymore. I don’t see that life can get any better. Looking at my managers do not help envision a better future. They might be experienced and achieved, but when I see them again I only see longer hours in the office.
This is not what I want to achieve.
Yet I’ve been giving myself so many excuses. I want to do well in this role, but I dread every morning having to face the amount of work that just keep coming up. I want to do something else, but I just don’t start anything. Yes I could have, but my heart is never anywhere else but in the office.
Heard too much of it but do we actually realize what those words mean when we think about who we are today? There are friends we keep happy memories with. Some we are left only with bitterness. But there are those we share some moments that changed our lives and how we view this tricky thing called ‘life’ which eventually mould us into who we are today.
Let me give an illustration.
I used to have the closest friend back in secondary school. Let’s call him J-man. (I did call him J-man.)
Those were the days before computers were common in the average households. J-man and I hung out for skateboarding, wuxia comics (e.g. 少林小子, 龙虎门, 天下, 如来神掌), checking out girls (mostly ah莲 ah花 and other wannabes) and listened to Iron Maiden and Metallica. Those were the happy moments and we became close like brothers.
Things only started to change when he gotten involved with the local 369 trait gang (yes, those were also the days they were still so common and idolized by kids) and started drifting away. With his early years training in taekwando, he became a fighter and within months, he became a leader. Though we still saw each other in school, we went to different classes and only hung out sometimes for kopi and ciggies after school (or sometimes during school hours).
J-man told me he had never killed anyone yet, but had gotten some kids rushed to the hospital. There were even times when we were just walking in AMK central and he suddenly had to dash off. “Go away and pretend you dunno me,” he nudged me and disappeared. Seconds later, some skinny kids came after him with sticks.
That was at the end of secondary three.
It was too much for me. I started thinking about my future, and I really did not want to end up dead and shatter my parents’ heart at such an early age. I had already made some cracks when I ruined my academic records for the year. So I definitely did not want to destroy my chance for GCE O’Levels.
I stopped calling. I quit smoking. I even stopped hanging out on Saturday afternoon in town.
But J still called once in a while. He called because he needed someone to talk to. He even cried sometimes. Slowly, he mentioned he needed out of the gang. I could not ignore him. He was, afterall, still a brother.
Then one day, J called and asked to speak to my mom, who already knew him as a family friend and also told of his unkindly ways. He needed a refuge for a month to hide. He finally quit the gang. Traditionally known for loyalty, such gangs will never let anyone quit. There is usually some form of punishment involved. His own brothers were given instruction to seek him out. They knew where he lived, and they knew where his relatives (which is not many) lived. I was the only choice he had as we had not hung out for a good long while.
So he did. He stayed at our place for a month, during which he did not leave the house. It was the month during mid year school holidays. For the whole month, the only thing he could do at my house was to study. For the entire month, he avoided public places and was constantly on the look out just in case an ex-brother ambushed from no where. He lived his longest month in fear.
A smart kid, but it was just a pity he wasted over a year neglecting his studies. He almost gotten himself into a retainment but decided after he flunked his GCE O’Levels that he could not return to studies. He started taking odd jobs while I entered into JC. Then he went to La Salle Fashion for a fashion merchandiser course. After national service, I went to University and he got married. When I went abroad, we lost contact.
I did try to contact him once and got him during one of my summer holidays back home, but did not manage to meet him. Today, the old phone numbers I had of him do not work anymore. Mine have all changed. The last time I heard about him, he was magazine salesperson and even started a printer cartridge recycling business.
Nothing cracks me up more than a mime version of the song ‘Torn’ by Natalie Imbruglia. LMFHOL
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
... I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.
Other crazy karaoke around the world:
The Dormintary Boys (后舍男生), Wei Wei and Huang Yi Xin, made it big with this song on their webcam, with over million of hits on the internet. They even made it to the stage. Now there are so many copycats around the world imitating their concept.
2 Crazy Korean Girls. Another one of my favorite. Really CRAZY!!!
At age 31… wait… how old am I this year? 1974… Oh! I’m already 32. Yay~
N’mind the age. What I meant to say was that despite being at the age when the society is ready for my breakthrough… breakthrough of being an achiever, a fellow social contributor, a father etc… But I am none. Not yet, anyway.
I watched my sisters grow up and my dad grow old, yet I still see myself wondering.
What? Another ‘Am-I-Gonna-Grow-Up?’ topic?
I still wonder about what else I do not yet know. Unlike others who governs their confidence from what knowledge they hold, in their work or their experiences, and rule the world they live in from there. Conceited. Achieved. The ‘YAY-I’ve-Done-It’ sensations.
And here I am, still in the ‘What-Else-Is-There?’ stage. Yes, sure I am developing a good career being a financial analyst but I’m not satisfied. I know there is more of what I have yet to find out and perhaps run into another experience I can define as a chapter of life. I am still hungry and curious.
I think I am just addicted to this sensation… a sensation of the curious and the oblivious. That same sensation we all get when we first discovered about sex yet still do not know what it means. That same sensation when we got first pay check, and our minds run wild about the millions of things we could do with the first dollars.
That age of innocence. I just can’t break out of this…
At age 32, I still fantasize. Few things I still fantasizes about when I get the span of quiet moments…
I don’t have to speak in this world. Though I have speech ability, I do not need words to communicate with the world. Like a character in an MTV, the life and the story moves in graphical body langauge.
I have no need to be on guard against others. There is no devion or negative intentions in this world. No need to re-interpret actions. No Pumpkin in Memoirs of a Geisha
I can break away from family obligations (to Dad and sisters) to own and run a resort on an island somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific Isles. Better still if I can bring them along with me.
Teleportation is a norm so there is no more need for motor vehicle on the roads. No more pollution to the air we breathe.
Ok, not all are fantasy. Some are within reach, like the possibility of teleportation. Others are better off staying as fantasy. Once we know it, it will lose that mystery of the unknown…
Another busy week passed, and I’m still dizzy from all the work over the last few days.
Month-ends, just like Adrian wrote about, are the busiest time in every course of businesses. The busy times depends greatly on how well the month end closes go. This month (March) close is a little crazier than the last two, being the quarter-end month.
First, we did some state-of-the-art calculation based on assumptions developed by us and verified by country managers, and lots of ‘Why’s.
Why is it more expensive in March as compared to January and February?
... because we have five weeks in March compared to four in Jan and Feb.
Why should this make any difference when it’s a fixed cost?
... because it is not our fixed cost but the fixed cost of our service provider.
Why then does this charge from our service provider vary over the months? How the hell should I know? How about we’d just analyze their business as well to find that out!
It was only when we either ran out of time or all the ‘Why’ before we confirmed and committed our forecast to the Greater Team. This team will then consolidate all forecasted quarter figures and then pull together with other Greater Teams to announce to the public “This is what our quarter profit is going to look” in mid March.
So that was the story of my busy March.
Now with the month close, we are rated on our forecast accuracy. After scrambling for the March result, we discovered that we are all off in our projections by businesses, but exact on the dot overall.
So that was not enough. The Greater Team came back with lots of Why’s. Director asked the Manager. The Manager asked the Executives. The Executives will then shoot at each other for someone to take the blame. I actually heard this very question asked to a country manager…
Why is the forecast for March (that we did and verified by you) so different from actual result?
I’d be damned if any of the managers can give us a good enough reason.
Actually, it’s not entirely untrue that this blog is dead. It’s just not really dead. Just a little more dead than before.
(It’s been rather dead here, isn’t it? I’ve been really busy with work, ain’t I?)
Anyway, I had some time this morning to actually browsed through some of my friends’ blog site, and I realized that I’m not the only one who’s busy with life. So not a good excuse for me to declare the death of this blog.
Life is fair, as long as you allow it to be.
(Time will change. I know it will… )
Now work… let me do a little summary for the week. I did a lot of frustrating analyses with no fruitful results. It was hard to get the same level of confidence when you know only half of what you’re doing.
That’s it!
For the rest of life, I realize that work can either build you, or break you. I need to find other things in life for myself within each 2-days weekends. There are things to be done around the house, but I just do them for the sake of having them done. No motivational rewards in them though. That’s how it is when you have your own place but cannot afford a personal helper. You’ve to do everything yourself. Sunsun have had her share over weekdays. It is only my turn over weekends. So not much break for me. Office in the weekdays… home over weekends.
So what else is left?
(Time to get myself out of the house. Going to fetch my lil sis Annie to her vocal class.)
Cheers, amigoz.
_____
Alas. Evening of the first weekends I get for the week. Though nothing much was done (as I was having headache much of the day), we managed to stroll Far East Plaza a bit when I collected my contact lens there.
Though it was only the second time we’ve been there in months (last Sunday being the first), I’m already bored of it. Bored of the crowd, bored of the shops. There is nothing much for window shopping. Not as exciting as I used to feel about Far East. Now I’m wondering what I used to see in that place.
A friend asked me to Zouk last night, and for the countless times again I rejected the offer. I have lost that particular touch for that place.
Now, it is all but a dream.
It is just a place to be seen to me now. Have fun with friends? Sure… but how long can one par-tay? If you par-tay every weekends, then when is the regular non-partay weekends? End of the month just before payday? When you realize you’re broke and have to skip until the new month?
Gone are those days. I’m no longer 20-something.
Tonight, on a saturday night, is just another regular saturday night when I frequent my comp after dinner. Am I enjoying this? I won’t believe myself admitting this, but I am.
Ok… I have mellowed further from the already mellowed nature I’m known for.
