Archive for the 'deep' Category
April 11th, 2008 -- Posted in deep |
Feel like you’re getting older all the sudden? That’s what Adrian feels today when finding himself surrounded by youngsters. I can understand where that’s coming from, but I have to disagree that I will feel the same…
Somehow I just don’t. When I see a pretty young face, I tend to think it lacks the sophistication. When I see the high level of energy, I thought mine was well spent over the past 10 years. Sometimes I even think I’m fortunate enough to have spent that 10 years the way I did, and many of these young kids might not even enjoy their next 10 years as much as I did.
And I’m not talking about spending the last 10 years just having fun. Neither am I talking about 10 years of work, work and only work. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, although all play and no work makes Jack a dumb boy. I’m talking about having a damn good work/life balance. Prior to the major imbalance stint I experienced last year, I must say I had my good share of fun while working smart. I’m not the brightest student or the employee of the month, but I constantly kept track of my short-term goals and long-term objectives, and rewarded myself upon each achievement with lots of parties and fun. And I mean some heavy-duty parties! Wink
When I felt I had enough of parties, I decided to settle down. So I got married. Now I’m enjoying the peaceful married life while bringing my career to a new level.
So do I find myself envious of the energetic young bods? Hardly. Everyone was young once. I had my share of younger days and these youngsters are having theirs… Been there, done that.
March 10th, 2007 -- Posted in deep |
I’m not sure why I thought of this topic, though I know this has been on my mind since a few months back when I notice that I’m beginning to neglect my friends…
“Life is tough… so you’re either ‘up’ or you’re ‘out’!”
How true is this and how applicable it is to my life right now. I’m constantly complaining about my job. There’s nothing interesting I can blog about. My mind is always blank when I try to construct creatively. I’m not trying hard enough to show my love for people I love… to my family and my friends. I tried to blame it on my job… but really, it’s innocent. It’s me. I’ve lost passion for things I used to be passionate for. I’m trying to change things by trying for a baby and my job, but I admit I get lazy after long hours of work…
See? I link lots of complains to my job…
(Think I need professional help?)
I just got an appointment with a manager from the company HR for a casual chat. This ‘casual chat’ is probably related to a large number of my ex-colleagues who’d moved to their new roles after the merge (like I did) and quit. The growing pattern is becoming a big concern for management and they’re probably trying to understand from peeps who moved over about their job satisfaction and the root of the high turnover rate. What is all these to me? A probable reason for my current distorted work-life balance and this gradual change to my behavior…
An excuse… not. A concern to consider… definitely.
(I think I need more of a headhunter’s help then…)
What do you think? I know I’ve been told by a dear friend that I should take action and move my ass to a new job… I know this is defnitely the right move for me, but my stubborn nature that refuse to let me admit that ‘I give up’ on the tough role.
“A Bad Dream”
Why do I have to fly
Over every town up and down the line?
I’ll die in the clouds above
And you that I defend, I do not love
I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind
Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I’m a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend
I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind
Wouldn’t mind it
If you were by my side
But you’re long gone
Yeah you’re long gone now
Where do we go?
I don’t even know
My strange old face
And I’m thinking about those days
And I’m thinking about those days
I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind
Wouldn’t mind it
If you were by my side
But you’re long gone
Yeah you’re long gone now
January 21st, 2007 -- Posted in deep |
... because I never do, and because I’m a buddhist.
But I’m waking up as early as 9am (not that early but earlier than workdays). Figured that I want to enjoy a morning of a nice cup of coffee and some sun (while it’s available) by the balcony.
Am I wasting time doing this? In the ‘uber-modern’ standard of Singapore lifestyle, I might be wasting precious time since I work 5 days a week, 14 hours a day. I should be doing something like getting my driving license and cleaning up the house… or something more ‘constructive’.
Not in my standard. While I’m in my early 30’s, before the kids come along, this is my idea of ‘constructive sunday morning’ when I do a bit of documenting of thoughts onto a blog.
During the days when I haven’t been catching up on blogging, I figured that there are so much thoughts in my head that I get so disorganized and hard to hear myself think clear enough without deleting a while chunk after I’m done. There are also days when I just have no thought I can put into words.
Perhaps I should just try to narrate?..
Sunsun and I went to a TCM doc yesterday for an alternative opinion. Not so traditional, but the doc is a certified physician and acupuncturist. Sunsun got some chinese medicine and an instruction to monitor her vitals to understand her hormones. I got myself a 20-minutes acupuncture session and some cordyceps-based supplement to help improve motility.
Spent the next few hours doing some shopping in Orchard Road. The vehicle and human traffic was horrendous. Thought it was because of the rain, but funny that there are more people shopping during rainy days.
After (some long boring hours of) shopping, we headed over to dad’s house to view a few paintings that Becky’s gallery friend has left for us to see. Nice paintings but our top choice seemed to be too large even for the large living room. I guess we’d need a big gallery-style house to enjoy such a masterpiece.
And that was that for a Saturday. Many things done but I don’t feel I’ve accomplished anything. Nothing unusual, actually.
Anyway, I’m looking forward for catching up with old friends and a sibbling who are back in town for the coming CNY.
July 21st, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
A conversation went something like this today…
Sunsun: If there is anything I’d like to improve about myself, I’d try to change blahblah*. You leh?**
Me: I’d want to be more conversational. I want to talk more. To speak my mind more so others will understand me better.
Sunsun: Thinks for a sec That’s not really something you can change. That’s your personality. You’re just someone who’s quiet. Nothing much you can do about that.
Me: Thinks to myself (Not necessarily. One can learn to speak up more.) Replies to Sunsun Yeah…
* Censored for discretion. Content unrelated.
** Added to dramatize conversation. Sunsun, of course, still doesn’t use this slang.
This usually happens in a normal day conversation. I noticed that I think to myself more than speaking my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lazy to think or there’s really something disfunctional with my personality. I just can’t put together words to correctly convey my thoughts. It’s actually such a chore. Sometimes when I speak in the language my mind thinks, I get stares at my face blankly and smiley, almost showing an array of “?” above the heads.
“Chim…”
Would you still listen to my repeat? Probably, for another round or two. Perhaps patience for another round of rephrase before the final nehmind smile.
“It’s ok…”
These words would teach me that any further attempt to help my audience understand what I’m trying to say…
Nevermind…
(See? I’ve given up trying already…)
April 8th, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
At age 31… wait… how old am I this year? 1974… Oh! I’m already 32. Yay~
N’mind the age. What I meant to say was that despite being at the age when the society is ready for my breakthrough… breakthrough of being an achiever, a fellow social contributor, a father etc… But I am none. Not yet, anyway.
I watched my sisters grow up and my dad grow old, yet I still see myself wondering.
What? Another ‘Am-I-Gonna-Grow-Up?’ topic?
I still wonder about what else I do not yet know. Unlike others who governs their confidence from what knowledge they hold, in their work or their experiences, and rule the world they live in from there. Conceited. Achieved. The ‘YAY-I’ve-Done-It’ sensations.
And here I am, still in the ‘What-Else-Is-There?’ stage. Yes, sure I am developing a good career being a financial analyst but I’m not satisfied. I know there is more of what I have yet to find out and perhaps run into another experience I can define as a chapter of life. I am still hungry and curious.
I think I am just addicted to this sensation… a sensation of the curious and the oblivious. That same sensation we all get when we first discovered about sex yet still do not know what it means. That same sensation when we got first pay check, and our minds run wild about the millions of things we could do with the first dollars.
That age of innocence. I just can’t break out of this…
At age 32, I still fantasize. Few things I still fantasizes about when I get the span of quiet moments…
- I don’t have to speak in this world. Though I have speech ability, I do not need words to communicate with the world. Like a character in an MTV, the life and the story moves in graphical body langauge.
- I have no need to be on guard against others. There is no devion or negative intentions in this world. No need to re-interpret actions. No Pumpkin in Memoirs of a Geisha
- I can break away from family obligations (to Dad and sisters) to own and run a resort on an island somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific Isles. Better still if I can bring them along with me.
- Teleportation is a norm so there is no more need for motor vehicle on the roads. No more pollution to the air we breathe.
Ok, not all are fantasy. Some are within reach, like the possibility of teleportation. Others are better off staying as fantasy. Once we know it, it will lose that mystery of the unknown…
February 3rd, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
It dawned to me one time when I made a casual comment:
”... it came to a point when we could both read each other without even saying a word… It was scary.”
And I always seem to give the wrong message. The first part is always read as they are, while the second half of the comment is always either no heard or interpreted the way the audience wanted to hear.
“Wow! That’s sweet isn’t it? When you can read the mind of your loved one. When your love one can tell what you have in mind when you do.”
——————————————————————————————-
You may well put it anyway you wish. I’m really used to the usual response anyway.
It all came about this topic whenever there is a chat topic shared over coffee tables about past relationships. My story that came to this was not exactly a unhappy one, nor did it have a bitter ending. It was one of the stories I would write in my autobiography depicting my passage of way and how this relationship awoken me from my dreamy youth.
And it was true, that we got really close to each other only within months of knowing each other. We got even closer after cohabitation, to the point when we spend more time exploring each others mannerisms than looks. It got sweeter when the body language watching turned into slight bits of mind reading. There were times when we actually declared the day our ‘mind-reading day’, without a single word of declaration. Some of these ‘mind-reading days’ we even got dressed up and headed out into town wandering around by means of our friendly neighborhood public bus. We alighted and walked whenever we wanted to, got ourselves lost, and then took another bus until a subway station was spotted. All the while not saying any word. Just a smile and eye contacts to lead the way.
Then the silence that became a habit turned sour. Silent communication led to slight emotional paranoia. Since we were wholly into each other, we kind of shut ourselves out from the rest of the world for a bit. The paranoia was duly accompanied by possessiveness and sometimes overreaction. Only sometimes.
It was also the point when we knew when the other was going to ask for water, or when one knew other called when no sound was heard. We just knew. We heard each other’s voice calling from within. No vocal chord made any sound.
It became scary.
When we became aware of how we could almost think concurrently for each other, the meaning of self became null. We were two turning into one. Almost psychic, our minds sometimes felt as if our bodies were controlled by someone else. Self identity was almost lost. We could no longer function without the other.
So we parted. At first she left, and I almost followed, but realized later that it was probably only better for us both. At least better for myself. The starting of the cold turkey was hard. It was harder than being deprived of nicotine. It was a deprivation of self. But I know I had to do it. The cold turkey was inevitable to quit that self and gave it up. It was only inevitable to gain myself back.
Today, though we have gone on separate ways and still remain as distant yet close friends, our close encounter left a memory that developed into me an involuntary adversity to any attempt in getting anywhere close to the way we were. This adversity was not limited to just between us, at least not for myself, but was also deterring me from opening up too much or expressing too honestly towards others, like family and friends.
And the silence. I still miss that silence once in a while, especially when I find voices too tiring to be heard after a long day… Silence when I heard not a voice by my ears, but that voice that called from within. That voice that called no more.
February 2nd, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
Usually it is not because I do not wish to say, but just because I do not have anything to say. And the relating reason why I do not have much to say is because there is nothing in my mind important enough to be spoken of. No… again, it is not because I think there isn’t anyone important enough to hear them, but just because I do not have anything important enough to share it with anyone when EVERYONE feels too important to be missed out on what I have to say…
Relative: How was work?
Me: Everything’s fine. Thanks. (I do not have much to tell you about my work, even when I have a new job role lining up for me after CNY.)
Relative: And Sunsun? How is she?
Me: She’s fine too. Thanks. (I do not know what to tell you about her. Why don’t you ask her yourself?)
Relative: So when is your turn (to have a kid)?
Me: ... (Throw me more of your questions I do not have any answer for, then perhaps I may find one with an answer…)
So what was all that? Just a reflection of the silence I notice I was carrying over this festive
CNY when I was meeting many familiar faces during my visits. Now why all the fuss, you’d ask. Well, I just didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk much during this years visitings. And I’m now not very comfortable about that.
January 24th, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
“I don’t have lunch.”
And I usually get that “Huh?” puzzled expression staring back at me.
“How can you take it? How can you not have lunch? How how how???”
—————————————————————————————-
This lunch question has been asked by various people and usually the same reaction came when they learn how I prefer not to have lunch. Initially, colleagues at work would think I am being anti-social and avoid having lunch with them. Not true. I just choose not to have lunch so I don’t feel sleepy after food. That’s precisely it! I just don’t have lunch because I can’t work after a full meal. I will be sleepy and unable to maintain my focus.
“You’re on diet issit? No need lah! You so skinny liao…”
Hello?~ I am not skinny and I am definitely not dieting. These are the assumption from people who love to… assume. (Funny but this kind of reaction usually comes from people of marketing background. I wonder why…) I got so tired of denying the fact that I just go along with it. “Yah yah… I’m on diet. That’s why I don’t eat lunch but I munch on choc chunk chips.”
“But how did you actually do it? Not eating for so many hours?”
Well, I do eat. I just eat little here and there. I have breakfast, usually two slices of toasts with two pieces of ham and one egg to go with coffee. During lunch hours, I stay back in the office to either continue with work, or relax a little by blogging, just like now. During which, I will either have fruits (Sunsun usually packs for me apples, grapes or jambu ayer) or some bread.
True I will feel rather tired due to the lack of energy recharge from lunch, but it is still better than the sleepiness after a full meal. Furthermore, the nutrition from breakfast and dinner are usually more than enough for a person in a day. Most local food from hawker centers or food courts contain too much carbo anyway.
“Remember ar… Your first week with new colleagues, do not skip lunch. Get to know them a little bit more first. If not they will think you are anti-social.”
That’s true. For the sake of building connection with new colleagues (next week), I should mingle with my colleagues more, at least with my ‘buddy’. Lunch will be the only time I have during a busy day of work to converse casually with them.
Does it really seem so odd that I am not in the habit of having lunch? That lunch to me is just another reason to socialize? That lunch is not really a necessity?
January 6th, 2006 -- Posted in deep |
A few days ago, I started a blog that reads like this…
Day 1 since I took the role as a brother, my mom told me to look after my sister like how she looked after me. I was only 5, and I promised. When the little one wanted something, I gave. When she slept, I lent my lap as a pillow.
Years later, as we both grew, we became little partners in acts of mischief. We disturbed the third one, another baby sister, as she slept in her cradle. We soaped up the whole floor of the bathroom and played slide. My sister just followed anything I suggested, just as she had learnt to do since day 1, and kept getting herself into trouble.
Then came the years when I started spending more time with school and friends. I left my sisters to play with their toys while I played with troubles, along which with trust of my parents. I lost much of it. With new friends and a strong curiousity to the limit of human emotional endurance, I explored many variations of defiance.
... and this was where I stopped. Blog-blocked. Interrupted by busy work hours and balance of rest. It was mainly inspired by my lil sis Annie’s blog (dated January 2nd, 2006) on how she notices the gradual loss of her innocence. Touched by her strong determination to remember what she had promised herself… and fulfill whatever she can.
When I was a young girl, or at least younger than I am now, I made a few promises and oaths to myself. I swore that I will stay me, the way I am, to be a nice person so that people will like me, that I will always believe in true love, and the prince charming of my life will one day sweep me off my feet. I also swore after watching Toy Story 2, and listening to the song “When She loved me” I would not neglect my treasures. And the most sacred one, that I keep in my heart always. That, no matter what, for the mother that I never truly met, I would take care of my father, and always make him remember that I’ll always love him.
And one by one, I broke, or let go, of these oaths.
I grew up, and the way I thought changed. I let go, slowly of the concept of love and fantasy, I stopped being innocent, even though I wished I still was.
So you see… it is precisely the loss of my own innocence that deprived me of the luxury to finish that blog. At my age, I find it harder to find time for reflect on my past and my life. While prioritizing work to survive, it’s all about work work work and money money money. I have lost that part of me who used to feel more of life, who could put my perceptions and sentiments experienced in chapters of my life into various forms of expressions… art, music or literacy. Simply put… I have lost myself in the fast-paced world of materialism and status.
That last line was an over-statement. I haven’t actually worked hard for any form of luxurous indulgence. I do not crave for status in any way. All the extra hours I have spent at work was for planning of the future of my family. All other hours in a day is spent to develop that foundation of a family (emotionally and ahem otherwise). In short, I am now a family man, or in the making of being one.
But does this mean I have to lose more and more of the little bits of innocence I used to have? Unfortunately, it is inevitable… only delayed.
Again, there is always a choice of a different career path. Maybe one that can help me keep that little of the ‘innocence’. Being a writer is one way. You reflect on your own self when you write about your surroundings. Being a musician or artist is also a good way to maintain that ‘feeling towards life’, but balancing between the dream (crucial for inspiration) and reality is the tough part. If you want to be successful in your life, you’ve to either work towards your dream that fulfill both realistic and spiritual needs, or simply choose a path that you have confidence in, or both if possible.
What am I blabbering about now?
My conclusion is… Loss of innocence is inevitable. We do not have the capability to do everything. We can only do within our limit. We can either ignore responsibilities and keep our innocence, or we can grow up. Not both at the same time. Responsibilities and innocence just don’t mix. They are like fire and water. North and south poles.
Notice my ‘writing style’? It’s no longer as poetic as I used to write… it’s now so influenced by ‘Successful Writing for Business’.
September 26th, 2005 -- Posted in deep |
My baby sister, the other one, youngest among us 4 sibblings, is growing up. Not only is she growing biologically, she’s also developing a character. Not that she didn’t have one. EVERYBODY has one at a time or another. She is transitioning from being the lil baby we first knew her as into someone who thinks deeply.
A few years ago, when I first introduced “Sophie’s World” to her as part of her recreational adolescent reading, she seemed too innocent to understand the depth of context for philosophical thoughts. However, over these couple of years, I’ve noticed the changed in her. Instead of asking all the “why’s”, she was starting to use her other senses to observe and learn by herself. Then she also moved from age of shy silence into a more open member of the family who can look at you and show that she understands what adult language you’re speaking. No, she’s not exactly an adult yet, but she has gotten a liking for dwelling into deeper thoughts that is easily shown through her eyes.
Now, the next chapter she should be writing in her book now is learning that when a life is created by copulation, the transition in a life is taught to the individual before that individual make what his/her own life would be. Annie is coming close to the middle of that educational part, while at the same time she is exploring her inner self, through literature, music and art. This is good. She has explored the beauty of poetry. She has aspired to produce works of art. All these with the collation of personality and feelings.
There is a danger, though. Individuals who think too much or expressed too deeply from their emotions can get entangled in their own web of mixed sentiments. Kurt Cobain did not kill himself for his stomach pain. His understanding of the angst of life simply caused him the abdominal pain and subsequently the mental torment. Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off not for the pain, but for the sweet reminder that he is still sane and feeling. Exploration of depth into the human mind can be a dangerous path to take. Knowledge can be an asset for the mind, but knowledge without adequate wisdom can be dire to one’s sanity.
Learn well, my dear sister. You have a potential path towards finding your own wisdom. Learn your fundamental knowledge well and more importantly learn how to use it. There is more than what’s in the skull one has to develop. The heart will need a balance to see the knowledge that the world has to offer.
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